have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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