no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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