you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
