I haven't been this sober since birth.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We are two peas in an std pod
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
