I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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