well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
