you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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