so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
