My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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