If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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