If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
