yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
