I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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