i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
