I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
