If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
