i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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