I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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