it wasn't lemon gatorade
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
