I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well you can't waste a boner
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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