Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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