I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
