He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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