You're my little dorito
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
