I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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