Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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