My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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