I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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