When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize