I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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