worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
