dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
