Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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