Sry I called you an 8
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
