i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
