Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
