I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
