final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Let's paint friendship bongs
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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