You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
