he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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