Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
