they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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