I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
