Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
