I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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