I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
