I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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