don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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