Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
