Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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