I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
