Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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