guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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