my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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