Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
