Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
