do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
