new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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