I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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