thus making me awesome and them whores
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize