Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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