I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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